The Benefits of Being Alone _ Overcoming the Need to be Validated by Others

I had this feeling of loneliness.  A fear of being alone.

It stemmed from needing to be seen, desiring so strongly to be witnessed.

I sought external validation for what I was feeling inside.  I noticed this as a pattern, and did not like the idea of needing someone else as a witness to complete me.  That would mean I would not be sovereign… dependent on others for my wholeness.  And if the progression looks like dependence->independence->interdependence, I cannot move to the ever-trusting mode of interdependence if I have not yet achieved my own emancipation. 

I wanted to gain clarity – I wanted to free myself of this pattern, so I tuned in.  I sat still for a 30-minute heart based meditation. I pictured my heart like a big ball of golden light, overflowing with unlimited energy from Source aka God aka the Universe aka the Creator.  

With a connection to the “Infinite” which has limitless supply, the golden light poured and poured from my heart, filling up each part of my body.  First my chest, then my neck and shoulders, up to my head, then down through my arms and hands, my torso by way of my stomach, back, and sides… and down through my pelvis and glutes, my upper legs, my thighs, hamstrings, knees, shins, calves, ankles, feet, heals, and toes.  This was a slow and deliberate process I felt every part of, and as the golden light filled my body, it began to overflow as if it occupied the ether a couple inches outside of my body.  I was soon floating inside this bubble of highly vibrational golden light.

I drew my attention back to my heart, and I sunk in.  I sunk into my heart.  I let me shoulders drop.  I adjusted my posture for maximum comfort.  And I kept bringing my attention back to my heart as my mind wandered.  I was patient with myself, and just kept coming back, kept coming back.

Eventually as my thoughts slowed, the focus on my heart caused me to feel an expansive space of high vibration, a “good feeling” as if an immense amount of love was present.  And I waited and waited, patiently focusing on the space in and around my heart.

Then I began to dialogue with my Higher Self… the part of me that already knows answers – that part not limited to time and space and lives outside of linear-ness.

This wasn’t a forced dialogue, but came as a natural and intuitive feeling – a “knowing” – to begin the dialoguing.

I asked about this loneliness, this feeling to be externally validated.  The respond was a lack of trust.  I built a wall because I did not trust. 

I had questions.

When was this heart wall built – when did I not trust?

5-6 years old.  The heart wall was built because I was highly emotional as a child, sometimes crying due to the feelings I felt.  I was sensitive as a child.  I would cry and feel like I needed to be witnessed in my crying.  It didn’t feel “good enough” to cry, it felt like someone had to see me cry…. like someone had to acknowledge how much pain I was in.  I felt like someone had to comfort me.

It didn’t come.  At least in the memory I was being shown.  So as a child, this need became stronger and eventually became the normal manner in which I operated… feeling intense emotions, and then looking around only to see no one witnessing or comforting me.  It had become a pattern in my life.

As with all things, wholeness comes from being the full provider of and to myself.  If I wanted to heal this, I was going to have understand why I sought external validation of my emotions (needing to be seen), and figure out how I could do this myself.  So I asked for guidance from my Higher Self.  Here is what I got…

When I would cry as a child, I sought external validation of my emotions – I sought comforting from another – because I did not know how to do this myself.  This was an ancestral wound passed down for generations.  Since no one knew or figured out how to self-comfort or self-validate from many generations ago, it became a need in the family lineage.  The pattern would never stop and would always be passed along so long as no one addressed this.

So I committed to addressing it.

When I would be emotional, even to the day of writing this, I would actually stop my emotions when they got intense.  That is when I would look around and see who could comfort me.  I did not trust that I would be okay if I allowed the intense emotion to run its course.  When an intense emotion arises, I hadn’t let it through fully.  I would stop it before it finished its “healing purpose” which is simply to run its course through my body.  I would open my eyes to seek comfort from another.  And the emotion would go away, only half serving it purpose of healing (emotions, I have learned, are healing).

The trust came into play by needing to allow the emotion to fully and completely run its course.  

I felt the fear of allowing this.  That’s the solution.  To feel the fear.  

I felt the fear of not being externally validated. Of being alone.  I felt my ancestral fear.  I sent this fear back to them.  I removed the layers of ancestral fear on top of my fear.  Then I felt my own.

My child self was afraid of dying.  He wouldn’t let the emotions come all the way through because they were SO INTENSE.  And if you think about it, this was uncharted territory.  To feel something so intense for the first time… that’s where the lack of trust comes in.  To just fully and completely allow something scarily intense to happen to my body.  Wow.  I could feel the fear.  I saw myself as a child going through this.  And I asked him about this fear, and if he would take this projection of fear back.

He did.  And he allowed the projection of fear to return.  And he immediately was transformed. 

In this way, this was the healing.  The intense emotion was fear.  I allowed it to run through; to run its course through my body.  Fully and completely.  And so did this image I was seeing of my child self.  So long ago.

He grew.  He matured.  I saw him get bigger before my very eyes.  He wasn’t scared anymore.  In fact, he was courageous.  He recognized the true nature and power of his emotions, and he fully trusted.  Trusted that these emotions were here to serve him, that he wouldn’t die if he allowed them to fully run their course.  That he would experience the self-love he sought once the emotion ran all the way through.

Healed.  This is healing.  This is stopping the ancestral pattern.  This is stopping the pattern in me.  To now trust.  To now feel my emotions.  To not think I’m going to die if I allow them all the way through.  To not stop them and seek an external witness.  To witness myself as a courageously allow them all the way through.

My emotions are what make me powerful.  Allowing my own access to my emotions are what allow me to love myself fully.  To learn to trust.  Trust myself.  Trust God.

I feel unstoppable.  I am not scared of my emotions.  I trust my emotions are my healing.  I will not stop them when they get intense.  I allow them through.  So I can heal.  So I can love myself.  So I can be sovereign.  So I can be free from needing anything from anyone.  I love myself and see myself.  I no longer need to be seen by others.  

I am free.